I already had the appetite
when my body rose in the oven
unleavened breasts garnering a
level of attention I hadn’t had before.
It seemed I could suddenly give rise
to anyone I possessed in a glance
but avoided the mirror.
Nothing could have prepared me for
the onslaught of attention a sixteen year old gets
when she arrives into school from summer
doubled in height, halved in weight
and holding the temporary golden ticket
of ‘the right kind’ of body.
Boys that would’ve viewed my previous self
as an unusable lunchtime football
fell over each other in asking my number
and claimed to have fingered me
before we’d ever met.
Sexual confidence –
I don’t know how I had it
Sometimes I wonder was it
being the child that ate all the chocolate
Being acceptable enough to fuck
was all the satisfaction I needed
for a very long time.
I am bearing witness to
how little it had to do
with me
how temporary
how far down the wrong rabbit hole
you can go when motivated by
not being
‘the wrong kind’
of body, of person.
beam is a 26 year old woman from Ireland, a new poet and a recent MA graduate in Vocal Performance. At the moment beam is working on her first collection after being published on Spilling Hot Cocoa Over Martin Amis. Recent work includes surviving the pandemic and several disappointing sourdough loaves. You can find more of her poetry @personalbeam on instagram.
The Cabinet of Heed 