How To Find A Husband – Ruth Elwood

Invest in some decent sucky-ins
To give you that size eight figureen
You haven’t had in four years.

They will be a necessity
For that wedding
Some cousin –
Your first one solo;
Since that arsehole cheated.

After the meal
To the backdrop of N17
You’ll spot him:
A fine-looking lad
Decked out
Sipping Guinness.

Shuffle in beside him at the bar
Order something classy, maybe Shiraz
Nothing too high maintenance
Say thanks a load
So your manners are on show.

Fan yourself, say you’re roasting
Ye’ll head to the smoking area
And you’ll talk shite
About how lovely she looked.

Suss him out
If he has frontage,
Is a guard, teacher or doctor
Jesus then well done.
You have found the one.

Queue Galway Girl
Your time to shine
Let him laugh
At your floundering.

Give him your number
Be good craic
Put up with no shite

And in two years time
In the exact same room
You’ll be the one wearing white.


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Image: Gianni Scognami

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