I wanted to be the guy who hung off the back of the garbage truck, to feel the adrenaline ignited by racing cars, dream of being a professional stunt driver, become a busy advertising executive, sit in a window office, achieve work/life balance, work from home, not change out of my pajama bottoms, retire early.
I wanted to live down the street from my parents, buy a condo downtown with a lake view, move to Seattle with my flannel and combat boots, not live alone anymore, find a home in a good school district, stay near my daughter once she graduates college.
I wanted to be kissed, for love to be enough, find a way to say goodbye without the side effect of heartbreak, retreat and simply be left alone, pack away my emotional baggage to be ready to share my life with someone, find an amazing man to call my husband, celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary.
I wanted to live life on my own terms, to be brutally honest to avoid being blindsided, prove that I am capable of standing on my own two feet, realize all choices have consequences and learn from my mistakes, find a healthy balance between the past/present/future, know I am enough, start my own family, be called mommy.
I wanted to be the best mom I could be, give her a playmate since I couldn’t give her a sibling, supplement her teachers with my unconventional life lessons, become a trusted resource, provide an open ear, linger as a voice of reason, keep her safe without stunting her freedom, be someone she will want to call and come visit voluntarily.
I wanted to live as if I was invincible, break the rules, take risks I was lucky to survive, spend all my discretionary income on travel, eat/drink & be merry, maintain my mobility despite the aches & creaking, focus on longevity and play it safe, adopt a healthier lifestyle, live long enough to meet my grandchildren.
Dreams evolve as life rewards you with perspective. I’ve climbed the hill one success, mistake and lesson at a time. I have stood at the top of the hill, appreciating all the events & people who have been a part of my incredible journey up. Unfortunately, my decent down the other side has been quicker than I hoped. I am pleased to have very few regrets tugging on my consciousness. Although there is no end to my path in sight, I am more cautious with each step forward, carrying heightened awareness that all journeys are unique to the individual, but the ending is always the same.
Nadine M Brown is a Chicagoland native, whose essays, prose, and poetry are grounded in her version of truth as a way to help process life. She does not consider herself a writer, but rather someone who is capable of writing coherently. Now that she has a few decades of living behind her, she has started sharing tidbits of her experiences because that is what middle-aged people do.
The Cabinet of Heed 