My name is Dylan and I am 5 and today The Alien picked me up from school.
It’s always normally mum or my dad who pick me up. But this morning when mum was putting my packed lunch into my backpack, she said –
“Mummy and Daddy both have to work late, so The Alien is going to pick you up from school today. Is that OK?”
I didn’t know if it was OK or not OK that an alien was picking me up from school.
I met The Alien before, lots of times. He doesn’t look a lot like an alien. He looks a little bit like an alien, but a little bit like a man too. Except he’s got different shaped eyes than a man.
It must be a not very well made man costume he wears. He must wear it so people don’t think he is an alien and he looks enough like a man to go into shops and buy things and stuff.
If I worked in a shop, I wouldn’t fall for it though. He needs to get a better costume that makes his eyes a better shape. The colour of the costume is not quite right as well.
“Dylan?” said mum. “Is that OK? For The Alien to pick you up from school?”
One time my big cousin Blake told me about this thing called Alien Abdoption. It’s when aliens come into little boys’ bedrooms at night and abdopt them and take them to their space ships and put things up their bums. The story made me cry and Blake got smacks for it. That was before I started going to school. Now I’m going to school and I’m more grown up and haven’t cried for more than three days now.
“A little bit OK,” I said to mum. I felt like a big boy that I’d said ‘A little bit OK’ instead of how I really felt. Really, I felt scared about an alien abdoption happening to me.
One time mum told me that a girl in my class, Alex, got abdopted when she was two, which is why her skin is the colour of chocolate even though her mum and dad’s skin is normal coloured. One day at school, I will ask Alex what alien abdoption is like, and what it is they put up your bum to make your skin turn brown.
Today at school we got taught about magic “E”. You put it on the end of a word and it changes how it sounds. Plan turns into Plane. Cut turns into Cute.
Then at break-time, Sebastian from my class did a wee wee in his pants and everyone ran away from him when they saw the dark patch getting bigger and bigger on his trousers. He was just standing there crying and we were all round him in a big circle, laughing.
After break, we got a special lesson about how it is not nice to point at people and laugh at them, and instead we should co-exist peacefully. Sebastian got given new trousers out of the drawer where they keep spare clothes for people who wee wee themselves, and the rest of us made pictures of boats using hard pasta. I put a bit of macaroni up my nose and everyone laughed until someone told on us and I got a little bit of a row.
It was a fun day. I forgot that I was going to be picked up by The Alien and maybe abdopted and turned brown forever.
After school finished, The Alien was waiting for me in the playground. When I saw him I remembered how I know he’s an alien.
He came to the big Tesco with me and mum one time, and I was fighting him with the toy light sabers from the toy aisle. Then mum gave us a row and said we should put them back before we break them and cause the man from the shop to get very angry.
Then he told me. He kneeled down and told me he’s actually from a galaxy far far away and he has The Force. I didn’t believe him at first, but he even proved it by stopping just before the supermarket doors and opening them himself without even touching them. He just moved his hand and the doors opened. It was so cool.
When The Alien picked me up today, we walked for a little bit until we were away from the school. The roads got busy and the cars were whizzing past really fast. I know not to go on roads without holding hands with a grown up. But The Alien was very scared about me running ahead of him even though I was on the pavement, always saying – “Careful! The road!”
Then he picked me up and held me high up above his head and did the Star Wars song and ran very fast down the pavement. I was flying like the Millennium Falcon. It was very very cool.
After that, the abdoption began.
We were in a strange place where you had to go downstairs as soon as you go in the door. Then it smelt funny and had weird music on. There was a big fish tank with very funny fish in it. The fish were very orange and had lots of alien flaps, like Nemo if Nemo was from the alien world.
It was a big room with lots of tables, and all of them had other aliens on them. They were in badly made human costumes, same as The Alien, and they were all speaking Alien. We get taught about other languages, but this wasn’t any of them. It sounded like they were singing to each other. They ate different too, with sticks, holding two sticks in one hand like magic and putting the food in their mouths with them, very fast.
The Alien told me to sit at one of the tables. He let me play Candy Crush on his phone. Mum or dad never let me do that.
The Alien has a mum, same as humans do. She brought him a bowl of what looked a little bit like soup and a little bit like grey water with small alien parcels floating in them. The Alien started eating the parcels with his alien sticks. Tunwuns or something, they were called.
I told The Alien about Magic E, and he laughed and said he likes Magic E too, specially on a Saturday night, and then laughed some more.
Then the Alien Mum brought me chips and Coke. Mum or dad never let me have Coke after school. And the alien chips were way better than human chips.
The Alien asked me what Coke was if you took the Magic E off.
“Cok,” I said. It made him laugh a lot, so I kept covering the Magic E on the can with my fingers and saying it.
“You’re one funny little geezer,” he said.
Then mum came. She called The Alien ‘Techno Tommy’, and kept thanking The Alien for doing what he did. Mum and The Alien held hands like what we do with people in school when we line up in the playground.
I think aliens are very cool. I think humans and aliens can co-exist peacefully.
And the alien abdoption was OK, and if they put anything up my bum I didn’t even feel it.
So far, I have not even turned brown.
NEIL CLARK works and lives in Edinburgh, Scotland. He has writing in Riggwelter Press (forthcoming issue 8) and was recently showcased alongside other Scottish writers as part of Book Week Scotland. He posts very short stories in Tweet form from @NeilRClark